Warning: Iffy Photos Ahead

Every time April comes around I find myself in a funk. Funny thing is, after 10 years I would anticipate it. But I don't.

It's like I'm walking down the street and I check my purse for my keys, I make sure I haven't lost my sunglasses or maybe think I forgot to put socks on and then I realize, "oh, yeah, that's what it is: My boyfriend dumped me right before senior prom."

But for me, it's a little more complicated and involves the death of my daughter and every, single, time I am slammed by some sort of terrible, sweeping grief and it's only when the grief is at its pinnacle that I realize why I'm so not myself. April was the month she died.

So, forgive my absence. I'm okay. Everybody has their "stuff." Just like everybody and I have my "stuff," too.

That said, I have been knitting. I have been doing a lot of knitting. I can't share everything, but this I can. I don't have fantastic photos because I just snapped them on my phone, but there you go: Just like life, not everything or situation is perfect so you do what you can to get by. In my case, I knit a semi-circular shawl while Loretta refused to leave my side even though the Manos Laceweight (alpaca/silk/cashmere) kept getting stuck in her "luscious" mane.

This one started with a small patch at the top and I just winged the "pi-shawl" idea while incorporating a stitch pattern that I found in the wonderful Crazy Lace by Myra Wood (I think it might be out of print, but if you can get one, do . . . for 140 bucks; oh, the way the market works). Funny: I didn't even swatch and instead I just used a chart she has in there without testing it first. As I knit, I kept trying to "see" what the lace was "supposed" to look like. I couldn't figure it out. But I kept knitting because I wasn't in a place to rip. I thought I'd just go with it, sight unseen, and knew the knitting itself would pull me through and even if I blocked it and still couldn't "see" what it was supposed to "be," that would be fine with me. 

Just like life: Knitting isn't perfect. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

I mean, do we even have a choice?

BTW: This shawl is a pattern that I am writing up for a class I'm teaching in July at Anacapa Fine Yarns. It is based on the Sangria Shawl in Custom Knits Accessories (coming out in a matter of DAYS). The class teaches the Sangria Shawl, but for those students who don't have the means to purchase the book, I thought it would be a good thing to come up with something close, but not the same, to teach so everybody can join in.

Comments

[Chantal]

We can't imagine sometimes how hard life could be for some person... i didn't know about your daughter. I have been following you for 3 years and i always read you with a smile on the face. I will have a special thought for you... Take care and...knit! It gives a well-being isn'it? The shawl is fantastic btw!

[Shirley]

I'm sorry to read about your daughter. My son died in April too, 22years ago this Friday, so I really understand. I enjoy your blog and have bought several of your patterns. Best wishes

[Christi Conard]

Special heartfelt thoughts for you. I hope it comforts you to know that many people care about your loss. Thank you for bravely sharing your feelings with us.

[Katrina West]

Poor dear. For me it's Christmas time, when my aunt died about ten years ago. Wishing for you to get through this time okay. I love your shawl, it's gorgeous! Perfect colour for this time of year!

[kathy b]

Im so sorry about your daughter. Grief is a constant in waves and ripples and such. Your blog bring so much joy to me. I wish I could give you a hug. You are doing fine. Be nice to you

[Megan B.]

*HUGS* I'm beginning to think that April is a rough month for a lot of us. You more than most people. I hope that you are feeling more like yourself soon. (Your shawl is beautiful BTW). Take care.

[robinvk]

April is hard for me too. 31 years past the loss and I still cry like my heart is breaking. hugs to you, hang in there.

[Bonnie]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Eleanor]

You are not alone. I had the same annually unexpected funk in July for years and years after my mother's death in 1980 when I was 17. Thing is, it was just as grief-inspiring a to me when I realized that somewhere along the line my July funk had stopped coming. Then I felt guilty about fading memory, fading grief, etc. Truth is, though, funk or no funk, not a day goes by that our loved ones don't inform and affect our lives - they are a permanent part of us, literally and figuratively.

[Nik]

*hugs*

[Caroline]

Sending you a hug - I too have my 'April' but in June when I lost my partner. Reading your post and the comments above has made that click for me and I thank you for the insight and honesty which I hope will help me through my third June without him. Thinking of you.

[Norma]

I'm sorry Wendy ~ I hope you can feel the hugs and respect for where you've been, where you are and where you're going. You're not alone.

[Donna R]

I am so very sorry for your loss. My beloved son died three years ago this coming September. Only a mother who has lost a child can understand the pain. We are supposed to outlive our children. My thoughts are with you as you experience your grief month. It hits us when we least expect it. Love and hugs to you.

[Samantha]

I have no children but I am always amazed at what people survive. I'm so sorry about your child.

[Meredith MC]

Hey I can relate to the April thing except mine is in May, Right around Mother's Day. Late April I start to feel funky and depressed and it always takes me awhile to remember what's wrong with me. Even after 20 years. After I remember then I can just let myself feel it and really remember everything- all the beauty and joy and not just the loss. Thanks for sharing. While I wouldn't wish it on anyone it's still nice to know that I'm not alone.

[Rebecca]

It's hard to remember that everyone has 'stuff' in their life. Yours is heartbreaking. I'm sending a cyber hug and a wish for peace.

[Alpaca Farmgirl]

Bless you! Sorry to hear about your daughter. Hang in there, and who cares if your pictures aren't perfect? Not us.

[MJ]

I know exactly how you feel, and when I say exactly I mean it. My daughter passed away last April and I feel like I'm in a fog in the Springtime. Thank goodness for knitting, it helps lift the fog a bit.

[Margie]

I think everyone has significant 'months' events indelibely imprinted in their minds. Mine are June, Sept, Nov, and January. For me it is June - the month I went in the military; Mom arrived and departed during November; and Dad arrived in January and departed in September. Of course, there is Mom and Dad's Days. It all reminds me to just keep on keeping on!

[isabella]

it looks like Loretta knows you need extra hugs, wishing you the best, thanks for making me smile even when it's sometimes so hard.

[Maryanne]

I'm so sorry for your loss and to hear you're having a hard time. It's weird how grief can lay dormant sometimes, then pop up in full force at others. Loretta looks like a great companion, though, for the "stuff" times and always. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you better times.

[kathy]

I'm sorry for your loss. I, too, understand the funk. For me, it's February...when my son died. It's nearly impossible for anyone to really understand unless they've lost a child too. It's been 15 years for me, and it still hits me out of the blue sometimes. Often the only way I keep going is to recognize/feel how he is still beside me. Keep the faith.

[Lora]

You are in my thoughts... My husband died 18 yrs ago. This is my "funk" time of yr also. Many tears...missed birthdays, anniversaries, hopes, dreams, watching our children grow, grandchildren. But much joy and laughter in the memory of our life together

[June]

Hugs, Wendy.

[Helen]

Big hugs to you Wendy.