Mother's Day

Proof I don't get out enough: We go to the local civic center to watch Girlfriend do a couple dances with her troop and we escape across the street while the adolescents and cheerleaders do their gigs and we're sitting there at this upscale-ish steak joint and upon hearing the music overhead I say, "Oh, they have good taste! They're playing Elvis Costello!"

"It's not Elvis Costello, love, it's that guy over there in the corner, the one playing the piano." (HWWV)

So then, I say, "but he sounds just like him!"

A few minutes pass and we're enjoying the tunes, and next thing I know, the performer whips out a bugle and starts playing it with his mouth and his left hand, and continues the piano with is right hand.

But the wine was uber expensive and the steaks . . . let's just say that the guys sitting at the bar with us, all of them wearing way more jewelry than I would ever, had their fill. I wonder where they put it all. I swear, the guy next to me got a steak that would feed my family plus my brother, my sister and probably my mom, too if she were here.

Which reminds me, when mom said she'd make dinner for all of us, she'd buy the smallest steak and maybe two potatoes and call it a feast. When she lived with us while she was going through chemo and radiation she said she'd shop for us and come home with an onion, a potato and a bottle of wine.

She had a problem with quantities. We were always hungry. When we were kids, if we drank a quart of apple juice in a week's time, she'd wonder what was wrong with us, why did we drink so much juice?

And that is how it all was. Forever and ever, that is how it all was. And I didn't like her very much. I didn't like her but she was nice to me. She made me things. She made me spangled eye patches to wear to match my dresses and I was always angry because she'd use double-sided tape and smush it all against my eye. She put drops in my eyes that hurt and she made stinky cooked carrots that she burnt on the stove top and we'd throw them up onto the ceiling and they'd stick there. When they fell down, she never mentioned it. She never mentioned the fact that we'd throw our overcooked hamburgers out into the field across the street while she wasn't looking, either.

I met someone the other day who said she didn't speak to her mother anymore, or at least she didn't speak to her but once a month to try to make contact. It made me feel guilty.

My heart would break if Girlfriend decided that she hated me. I love her. My mom loved me. I know it now, after all these years how much, and as much as I want to go back through the years and hoist her back from wherever she is now and scream "I LOVE you, I DO!" the only thing I can remember about her right now is the last time we spoke. I was sick and my voice was gone. I was sitting in the car in a Target parking lot and I called her. She said hello and I said mom I wanted to say hello I hope you are okay today, and she said I don't know who you are. Who is this? and hung up.

I sat there weeping in my car, and then my phone rang. It was her sister. She said, "Wendy, your mom remembered you just now. She wants to talk to you."

"I will never forget you" is what my mom said.

And that was the last thing I ever heard her say.

BTW: I'm in a crocheting mood. I wish I was in the mood to finish projects. This particular one is a knotted poncho (yes, a poncho) from a Rowan Magazine a couple years back. I'll have to go and check the edition and get back to you on it. I will say that I screwed up on it a few times before I realized that it was knit from the bottom up. Oy. I'm such a top-down thinker.

Comments

[jill]

You are fantabulous. Thanks for taking all of us into the journey of your life. I appreciated the story on your mother. I love my mom very much and will celebrate her on Sunday. I know you will do the same, and Girlfriend will do that for you.
You ROCK!!!

BTW on the totally other subject...which steakhouse?

[Wendy]

Mastro's.

[Milly]

Mothers Day can be really tough when you mom is gone.

[Liz]

13 years it's been since my mother's been gone. Every day I think of her. Especially May, what...with Mother's Day, then her birthday, and finally...the lilacs. I miss her. As crazy as growing up with her was....she stabalized me in a way no one else ever could. Losing her at 21 rocked my world. Then, when my son was born, I understood. I understood the constant worry, self sacrifice...the love. I wish I could have told her that I "got it". I hope she knows.

[MonkeyGurrl]

Funny, this will be my first Mothers' Day without my mother. I have yet to deal with losing her (unexpectedly, surreal), but maybe one day I will. One thing that I try to convince myself - and I'm sure the same is true of you and GF - although WMG and I will have our disagreements, we are cognizant of the how and the why and we will hopefully work our way through them without ever resulting in the stubborn refusal to see the other's perspective.

[Linda]

Thank you for the honest emotion around familial dysfunction. Reading your heartfelt memories of your mother teared me up, and I'm grateful for those tears, as my dad just died and our relationship left so much to be desired. Accepting it for the flawed relationship that it was took lots of work, and I didn't do it perfectly, but nearing 60 I sure did a lot better accepting that his death was imminent (and so he needed attention of a sort that he'd never been able to give, himself) than I would have been capable of doing at 20, 30 or 49.

[LA]

The last time I talked to my mom was the week before she died. She was in a nursing home and I came to visit with my sons, then @ 7 & 2. I remember the little guy was still in a stroller, and I was soooo tired. Mommy-tired, you know? I crawled up on my mom's bed and snuggled up next to her, and she stroked my hair like when I was little. Women's figure skating was on tv. My mom hummed a little and then said, "You know, she's such a wonderful skater." I agreed, half asleep. "You'd never know both her legs
were amputated."

Huh?

The oxygen mix was a little rich that day, but it was the perfect, perfect last day with my mom, curled up on the bed next to her. I was so lucky to have it, and maybe she was, too.

[kathy b]

What a sweet and wonderful story.

[Katie]

Mother/daughter relationships are the trickiest in the world. Mine with my own mom is fine, we can talk about anything and I know she loves me.

But... (here's the mom guilt part) I have the hardest time "liking" my twin daughters. I love them to pieces and would never want anything to happen to them but they drive me batsh!t crazy. They both have the opposite personality from me. Which makes it so hard for me to want to spend more time with them. So I make them stuff too and hope they will understand someday. What makes it worse is my youngest daughter is such a joy to be around that I worry the twins will notice the difference and hate me when they are older. Ugh...

[annie]

i would burn a carrot for you right now.. i really would. xoxo

.. may you be the mother who breaks the pattern. and, may girlfriend always know your truest heart.

[LeAnne]

Some of your posts make me confused (like when you say you're running out of money but then you talk about your gardener and your upscale-ish steak place) but regardless, I keep reading you because of the posts like this. I can tell you are a very genuine person. And no, Girlfriend will never hate you.

[Wendy]

LeAnne, if it makes you feel less confused, we didnt eat anything.

[Lori]

Thank you for this post. My relationship with my mom is pretty tame most days but I didn't always feel like I was "right" for her. I need to make sure I let her know NOW that I know that I'm "right" for her now... before we lose her. She's battling cancer and I don't want to realize I should have said something important one day in the future. Thank you for the nudge.

[cheryl]

Gosh, my my mom used to drive me so crazy. She used to call me up at work to ask me questions about things she found in her closets that I was storing there. I now realize that she was just connecting with me. I lost her to cancer when I was 5 months pregnant with my oldest son, who fortunately still thinks I am the greatest at 9 years old. I just wish I could be with her, I will probably always have those "I want my Mom" moments, but at least I can guess pretty well what her parenting advice might be to me. She also knit me a pretty cool cabled poncho with fringe in grade school. She was quite the knitter!

[Sheryl]

Your post touched my heart and reminds me that I am blessed to have my mom and a precious granddaughter (step) that is the daughter I never had.

A note on previous posts - I feel your reading glasses/looking young and hip pain. Target's $1 bin rocks!

[beth]

beautiful post wendy, really made me think.

[Tevana]

I'm crying at my desk...

[scotty]

My mom wasn't and isn't an emotionally healthy person. I do love her but I tend to keep my distance. Of course I'm not a perfect mom, but I did learn what to avoid while raising my own son and daughter. I have to say it felt pretty good to have my grown daughter tell me that she realizes grandma manipulates but I'm honest. That felt good!

[Bill Morgan]

nice post Wendy.

[Marie]

How do I love your blog; let me count the ways: yours is the only blog where the personal content is relevant...just the right amount of humor, truth, opinion, pets, kids, and all things cute. Oh yeah, and also the projects (my pre-order with amazon is confirmed!).
I just sobbed when I read your this post. (PMS will heighten these reactions every time). My own relationship with my mom is also very complex although she's always shown me her love...and I have sibling issues (she loves my brother more, blah,blah,blah). As my grandmother now lays dying in the hospital with my mom at her side, I realize that we are all just trying to do the best we can. Those parents that are so lacking? Well, sadly, that is their best. The other amazing ones? well, they're really good at what they do, right? I think that if we love our children with all our hearts and show them this each and every day by really putting them first, hopefully our mistakes will be small to the really great memories of all we did for them because of that great love.

Happy Mothers Day to you, Wendy, and all of you moms out there trying your best!