Mother's Day

Proof I don't get out enough: We go to the local civic center to watch Girlfriend do a couple dances with her troop and we escape across the street while the adolescents and cheerleaders do their gigs and we're sitting there at this upscale-ish steak joint and upon hearing the music overhead I say, "Oh, they have good taste! They're playing Elvis Costello!"

"It's not Elvis Costello, love, it's that guy over there in the corner, the one playing the piano." (HWWV)

So then, I say, "but he sounds just like him!"

A few minutes pass and we're enjoying the tunes, and next thing I know, the performer whips out a bugle and starts playing it with his mouth and his left hand, and continues the piano with is right hand.

But the wine was uber expensive and the steaks . . . let's just say that the guys sitting at the bar with us, all of them wearing way more jewelry than I would ever, had their fill. I wonder where they put it all. I swear, the guy next to me got a steak that would feed my family plus my brother, my sister and probably my mom, too if she were here.

Which reminds me, when mom said she'd make dinner for all of us, she'd buy the smallest steak and maybe two potatoes and call it a feast. When she lived with us while she was going through chemo and radiation she said she'd shop for us and come home with an onion, a potato and a bottle of wine.

She had a problem with quantities. We were always hungry. When we were kids, if we drank a quart of apple juice in a week's time, she'd wonder what was wrong with us, why did we drink so much juice?

And that is how it all was. Forever and ever, that is how it all was. And I didn't like her very much. I didn't like her but she was nice to me. She made me things. She made me spangled eye patches to wear to match my dresses and I was always angry because she'd use double-sided tape and smush it all against my eye. She put drops in my eyes that hurt and she made stinky cooked carrots that she burnt on the stove top and we'd throw them up onto the ceiling and they'd stick there. When they fell down, she never mentioned it. She never mentioned the fact that we'd throw our overcooked hamburgers out into the field across the street while she wasn't looking, either.

I met someone the other day who said she didn't speak to her mother anymore, or at least she didn't speak to her but once a month to try to make contact. It made me feel guilty.

My heart would break if Girlfriend decided that she hated me. I love her. My mom loved me. I know it now, after all these years how much, and as much as I want to go back through the years and hoist her back from wherever she is now and scream "I LOVE you, I DO!" the only thing I can remember about her right now is the last time we spoke. I was sick and my voice was gone. I was sitting in the car in a Target parking lot and I called her. She said hello and I said mom I wanted to say hello I hope you are okay today, and she said I don't know who you are. Who is this? and hung up.

I sat there weeping in my car, and then my phone rang. It was her sister. She said, "Wendy, your mom remembered you just now. She wants to talk to you."

"I will never forget you" is what my mom said.

And that was the last thing I ever heard her say.

BTW: I'm in a crocheting mood. I wish I was in the mood to finish projects. This particular one is a knotted poncho (yes, a poncho) from a Rowan Magazine a couple years back. I'll have to go and check the edition and get back to you on it. I will say that I screwed up on it a few times before I realized that it was knit from the bottom up. Oy. I'm such a top-down thinker.

Comments

[marycatharine]

Mother's Day always seems like such an odd thing to me, since it tends to point out the bad not the good. But since I have no children yet I should just keep my mouth shut.

I think going out for steak during most of the dance extravaganza was a great idea. When I was in high school I was an usher at a local theater. Every spring we got to experience "dance hell" - very cute kids with parents who needed a steak to bit into instead of each other.

[PainterWoman]

Quite a post, sweetie.
While it may be true that most moms do love their children, it is also (sadly) true that many children don't feel loved -- because they love they get doesn't "fit." Good for you that you know and accept the truth of these competing facts. My mother loved me, but not more than bourbon, or scotch or cigarettes or being right about everything. She taught me how not to be with my children... and I believe that (most days) they know I love them and feel appreciated.

[sprite]

I'm a little emotional these days, I know, but now I'm a blubbering mess.

Your mom knew -- and knows (if you believe in such things).

{Wendy}

[rudee]

We can only promise ourselves that we'll try to correct what we think we can as we raise our children. This business of raising children can be so hard and it doesn't really come with a formal education-just the school of hard knocks. If you've truly done your best then I'd think you can rest assured you'll be loved and appreciated in the end. I know from other posts about your mom that you love and miss her. I think it's OK to reminisce about the bad and the good things about her. If you can't recall what you didn't like, how can you correct it as you go about raising your own child?

What was the deal with the eye patches?

[Nora]

She knows. I miss mine, too, and feel like I didn't do enough for her when she was alive and old and frail.

Beautiful post. Thank you.

[scoutj]

It's 6:48am and you have me crying. Damn you woman.

I'm giving you a really big hug right now and I hope you feel it.
xoxo

[Mimsey]

My mother died in Feb this year. Thank you for your post about your mother. It really helps to know that other people have complex relationships with their mothers, which along with love, includes disappointment, guilt, and more.

Our own children will have the same complicated feelings about us. I will tell my son to allow himself to feel them all and not feel guilty about it.

[gay]

you bring tears to my eyes. i still have my mom and i try to treasure her and appreciate her for what she is because of the wisodm i get from those of you who have lost their moms. i try to be more accepting with my children and grandchildren and honest and open and hope that they always love me. happy mothers day to you wendy. and by the way your pattern in ik is fab fab fab. i bought yarn as soon as i opened the page and saw it. the best in the mag this month!!!congrats!

[Denise]

Bless you for sharing that, it made me almost weep :( I have a 7 yr old daughter (only child) and I often worry that one day those hateful words will spew from her mouth, even just in an angry 'teenage' fit or something. It would break my heart.
Your daughter is precious and it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with her. My mom is 82 and still lives in England and she was 38 when she had me, I often think that because she was much older I didn't fight and bicker with her as a teenager when most of my friends were screaming at their 30-ish yr old moms!!! I could always talk to her about anything because she was older and wiser than the young moms my friends had.... I hope my daughter might feel the same way, I was 37 when I had her :-)

Anyways,

[Rev. Linda]

Hey, Thanks for your Mom post. Yes.

It's Rowan 35. It just happens to be sitting on the floor next to me - as I was contemplating "taking up the hook".

[Mary K. in Rockport]

Oh, bloody hell re: the mother stuff. Your "Forever and ever. That is how it all was." spoke volumes to me. My mother? Said (and says) she loves me, but acts like she hates me. Pretty confusing, even to this day. I'm glad you have a sister you're close to. You can, and are, undoing the mistakes your mother made with your own daughter. It all will come out better, even if she turns on you a little bit during adolescence! And not all kids do that. Thanks for sharing this story.

[sylphette]

You totally have a David Sedaris tone - poignant, a little twisted, very funny, bittersweet, earnest. But I don't mean you're derivative - it's all your own, and you rock.

[Dorothy]

Your project looks beautiful.

Your mother sounds like an interesting woman. Glad that her last words to you were so powerful.

I think there are a ton of us with complicated relationships with our mothers. I know mine loves me, but not more than trying to get me to do things her way. When we were kids, she loved us, but not more than being resentful of her life and angry about everything. Ah well, best we can do is try to learn from their mistakes and hope our mistakes aren't remembered as long.

[Tammy]

{{{{hugs}}}} Thanks for sharing from your heart... and encouraging many of us to remember what's important!

[flutter]

Oh Wendy. Girlfriend will never hate you. You are a different person than your mother.

You are the mother that we all want to have. Plus your heart is just so wide open.

[Badger]

Oh, wow. This post touched such a chord in me.

When I found out my second child was going to be a girl, my first thought was "oh no!" because I was sure I would screw her up the way I felt (at the time) that my mom had screwed me up. I thought it was some kind of family curse.

I have forgiven my mom for so much since giving birth to my girl 10 years ago. She is still here, my mom, and while our relationship is never going to be easy, it's better now than it's ever been. That's not something I will ever take for granted.

I know you don't know me (this is only my second time unlurking, I think) but I am sending you a big hug today. I will echo everyone else in saying that I'm sure your mom knows, somehow.

[Cheri]

The day after my birthday, the day after my dad died, I received a birthday card from my dad and step mom. In it my dad had written "I'll love you forever", in the shaky hand that had just signed the hospice papers. I thought of all of the times I didn't want to visit him, how angry I was for so many years and I hope he knew that I loved him. Your mom knew, sometimes I think we need to become mothers ourselves to understand. I hope that my little girl child and I are always close, because I do love her so.

[Rhonda]

You made me cry. My mother always loved my brother more than me. She made things for me but never spent time with me or was very nice to me. After she died three years ago, I realized that I did nothing wrong. I never had a chance. I have two daughters, in their twenties. Although we have our differences I always make sure that they know how much I love them. One of the best times is when we sit together and knit. (I just came from the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival and bought yarn for both). I am not my mother. With all the love I have for my daughters, I feel sorry for what my mother lost out on by closing me out. Have faith that with your awareness and love that as an adult you can make things different in your relationship with your daughter....I am now going to sort through some of the wool I bought today.

[Rhonda]

You made me cry. My mother always loved my brother more than me. She made things for me but never spent time with me or was very nice to me. After she died three years ago, I realized that I did nothing wrong. I never had a chance. I have two daughters, in their twenties. Although we have our differences I always make sure that they know how much I love them. One of the best times is when we sit together and knit. (I just came from the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival and bought yarn for both). I am not my mother. With all the love I have for my daughters, I feel sorry for what my mother lost out on by closing me out. Have faith that with your awareness and love that as an adult you can make things different in your relationship with your daughter....I am now going to sort through some of the wool I bought today.

[nicky]

I love the fact that your posts are sometimes off the wall and often not about knitting.Families are difficult, love has different ways of emerging.
As an English person, you come across as very grounded, so your mum couldn't have done too bad a job with you.(That's a compliment, by the way).

[Jeanette]

God, that made me tear up. In public, too!

Lately I've been thinking about the possibility of losing my mom. I'm young, and she's relatively young still (in her mid fifties). . .but I can't help but realize that someday (hopefully many many many years from now) I will lose my mom. I almost can't even handle the thought.

You bring up an interesting perspective-- that of a mother with a young child whom she loves very much. I think it'll be helpful for girlfriend, when she's older(and it's helpful for me now), to consider how her mom felt about her when she was a little girl. It's nice to remember that, before adolescent fights about boyfriends and clothes, we were all at one point little girls that our mothers adored.

I can't help but wonder how I'll feel about my child (whenever I have one). I'm betting that I'll realize how much a mother loves her child and call my mom weeping.

Thanks for the post. It's nice to have something that brings up personal memories in all of us.

[Mariah]

Wow! Are mother/daughter relationships just universally complicated? I know mine is. Every time I think I've let go and moved on I find out I haven't. I know my mom always did the very best she could do. Just like I've done and continue to do. I have a 25 yr old daughter who baffles me. My best for her was pretty lacking. I also have a 9yr old daughter and I am very motivated to make each day count.
Good for you for your honesty and willingness to see the whole picture. I hope my girls will be so kind.

[darlene]

wendy

you make me laugh and make me cry....i really love your blog. it brightens my day even when you just reflect and share something so true. my mom and i have a complicated relationship, even with it's quirks, i wouldn't even think of trading in. it took alot of work from the both of us to get it to where it is now. and when i think of my relationship with my son, i try so hard to be different so we wouldn't have to go thru what my mom and i did.

it would really crush me if he decided one day that he just hated me. so i can really relate to you and girlfriend.

[Mellanie]

Wendy, I really don't know what to say to you sometimes when you write these posts that take my breath away. I hope someday, when you're ready, and she's ready you'll let Girlfriend read all of them. What a gift it will be to her.

[Carson]

OOoooo dear..I don't think a comment left on your blog would do justice to the nuanced complexity of emotional responses required here.
Suffice to say..thank you for posting this.
And...
poncho on
:)