Have You Ever Knit a Giraffe?

I was standing in line today at the local drug store, waiting to pay for a packet of Pull-Ups (don't ask) and when I finally got to the checker she said, "Jeez, it's Christmas! These people in line! They're all so angry or cranky or frustrated...etcetera! You'd think they'd be happy, what with all the Jingle Bells, cakes, and fake snow!"

This is what I said: "The holidays, they can be difficult, what with all the rush and the to and fro action of the gifts, ribbons and bows."

This is what I would have loved to say: "You think these people are angry? Come to my house and have something to eat! Have some Pork Floss and see how you feel in the morning!"

(I admit I knew about Pork Floss. But I didn't know about the new rendition: the Crispy Pork Floss. MIL pulled it out of the luggage with great pleasure and handed it over with a look that rivaled the original Food Channel Iron Chef Master, the uncle of the one who reigns these days and who happens to live out here where I live and has been spotted from time to time yukking it up with the pizza makers at the local Whole Foods. [Know this; however, it is HWWV who tells me he spots him and that is usually after a margarita at the Mexican eatery in the same parking lot. So, you be the judge.])

At any rate. Give me an aran-weight wool that dares to felt if I breathe too hard during high humidity. Give me a wool with so many twigs in the strand I could twist it all together after a few inches and create a makeshift toothpick. Give me a fingering linen that is so fine that if I pulled it tightly enough, I could slice a piece of soft cheese the width of a dog's hair.

Gimme gimme gimme.

Shoot: Gimme gimme gimme a DK weight silk that splits so badly you can't tell if you're doing a slip stitch, a garter stitch, or the usual stockinette. Give me some of that buffalo wool that you have to twist before you knit it. I mean, really: give me a big fat, black-speckled cow: I'll knit that, too.

I was just whispering to HWWV while laying in bed lastnight, just before dropping off: "Darling, let's be 'on Safari' next year at this time. You know, let's just be on Safarrrrriiiiiii and soooo far awaaaaayyyy........"

Still waiting for a pic of the slouchy cap(s). (There are two). If you're so inclined, find some yarn, maybe a couple of balls that can be knit on size 9 and 10 needles; you know, the heavy worsted-to-aran, stuff...

Comments

[Michelle]

PORK FLOSS. CRISPY PORK FLOSS. BEE CHENG F*CKING HIANG.

*goes and digs into own stash -- conveniently hidden at bottom of own laceweight/sockweight stash*

Mmmmmmmmm.

Have you had the wasabi-flavored crispy pork floss yet?

[Shannon B]

How revolting. This pork thread in your posts is making me a little uneasy - I am a relatively new reader and have no idea what the history is with these terrifying visitors who seem to abuse you in creative and sinister ways. I need the backstory to fully appreciate this - but can't seem to find it in the archives.

[wendy]

You can't find the info in the archives because the posts are coded to blow up and disappear when they're 40 days old.

[Debbie]

seem to remember last time they were here that you hide alcohol in your bedroom. Didn't that help?

[angela]

WTF is Pork Floss? Crispy or not???

[Kaity]

I bought some Manos del Uruguay Yesterday for a slouchy cap, I'm ready!

[Katherine]

Got needles. Got yarn. I'm slouch hat ready!

[Irene]

Manos for the slouchy cap! What a great idea! I even have some on hand. I can't figure out whether I love the cabled newsboy cap or if it's just that I so appreciate the your brother-in-law's extreme goofitude.

[marti]

meat floss, or pork floss is a dried Chinese meat item that has a light and fluffy texture similar to coarse cotton. AT least thats what it says on wikipedia
Are your in laws chinese? I too am missing something here.

[scribblesnbits]

Well, just when I think today's the day I won't learn anything, along comes pork floss....

[Michele]

Oh Wendy - so sorry it's that pork time of year. It's scaring your new readers! And tell me if I'm wrong, but have you had to hit the margaritas on a daily basis? Who could blame you...

[Sara]

An end table... cream... now pork floss... I shudder to think what's next! I hope things like pork floss are at least kept far away from your knitting studio room. Knitting is what I use to stay calm around my in-laws. I knit when I talk to them on the phone, and during the times that we visit them (they thankfully don't bother to visit us), I pack enough knitting for 10 women.

[Erica]

For the new readers, the visitors are Wendy's in-laws who live faaaaarrr away and come for a month at a time twice a year.

Hey, Wendy -- how many came this time? Just HWWV's parents, or the whole big crew like last time?

Pork floss is SUCH a weird idea to me. When I heard the term, I thought of cotton candy (the Brits call it fairy floss or candy floss or something) somehow made out of pork. I like pork, but that was just a gross idea to me.

[wendy]

Only two came, and they brought just one jar of pork floss. It's nearly gone and guess who is eating it?

Girlfriend!

Readers: I'll cool off and stop mentioning the pork. I'll be back on track in another two weeks and everything will return to normal...

[Angela]

That tiny bottle is nothing! My Vietnamese mother-in-law brought a large ziplock bag full of the same stuff to our house last year with the same amount of enthusiasm. They eat it with white rice. Talk about a constipation-maker! I at least throw some veggies on it and only add a tiny bit for "flavor".

[kitty kitty]

Well in defense of the dried pork, there are ways that it can be eaten that are pretty good. (Home baked bread sliced for sandwiches, fried eggs, keipie mayo, a thin layer of the dried pork, and sliced deli turkey. Not the healthiest thing in the world but pretty tasty.) The scarry one in my opinion is the fish product that is the same thing. Atleast with the pork, you know where it came from the fish just says a variety of local fish.

[Lori]

Don't stop speaking of the pork! I need the laughs! I am, however, sorry it comes at your expense. I've actually been keeping my husband updated on your adventures and he usually sit with mouth agape! It's half over now!

[Sonya]

I love pork floss as a kid but I did not know a new version had came out. Must try it sometimes. Holidays are hard but I've found that knitting and crocheting for the past 3 years had helped me a lot in copping. Take good care. I won't ask about the pull-ups. My son is 3 and a half. He's still working it out. Merry Christmas!

[Gaile]

"...coded to blow up and disappear when they're 40 days old... LOL - SERIOUSLY? What the heck have you said that you don't want people to find?

And I am sorry about your visitor problems. The days before Christmas don't need any more stress. But then, Christmas is supposed to be about family and how ironic that family is usually (for most people) the cause of most of the stress!

[fluttercrafts]

Your photo.....oh my heavens. You forgot about squeaky acrylic nastiness, that makes more noise than a harley escort on the freeway.

[no-blog-rachel]

"Food Channel Iron Chef Master" - is that the guy who bites into a yellow pepper during the show intro and gives this crazy-ass maniacal grin with his mouth full? Or is that the nephew?

[Michelle]

I couldn't resist. I broke into the crispy pork floss. *eyes roll back into head in delight*

Erica - that is exactly what it is. I said to an American friend "floss - you know, like candy floss?" to which they said "candy WHAT?"

[Rosann]

Mmmmm, pork floss. I think Wendy's husband and in-laws are Chinese (that quote about creaming beginning with "Aiy ooh..." gave it away for me. ;)

[Kate]

When I was in China I was constantly being surprised by pork floss. Bite into a yummy looking bun? Pork floss. Bread from Wallmart? Pork Floss. I tell you, that is not a nice surprise. It *is* like fairy floss/cotton candy. And it's sweet. Why is Pork sweet? yick yick yick.