If I Could Take it all Back, I Would

I know that the new season of The Bachelor starts tonight but I can't help but think how this knitting thing links me ever so strongly to memories of my mom. And yes, I know, I mentioned her yesterday, and I try to restrict the reverie, but somehow, somehow, knitting is so strong in my heart these days and thoughts of her are, too.

She never knitted. She didn't even cook (well), instead, she bounced when she walked and was known to pop into the Lovely Lady Women's Gym for a quick 10-minute jaunt on the bike while I waited outside breathing heavily, leaning against the wall. I'd look in through the windows, and there she was, bouncing on the bike with all those old fashioned springs under the seat wearing her jeans and t-shirt and whatever else--and still holding onto her purse. Next thing I knew, she was out of there, and ready to go again.

"You know what, mom," I would moan. "...you do know that 10 minutes won't do you any good."

"You may not realize this, but 10 minutes are better than nothing," she'd retort and give me a wink. "And anyway, it all adds up."

Little did I know she had her finger on the pulse of Cardiovascular Health Theory of 2006.

So I wonder what it is in my being that makes me love knitting so. Gosh knows, mom never knit. Her mom did, but not well, and her mother in law did it, too--and probably a bit better. Still, what is it in us that makes us want to knit? Or to sew? Or to create things from scratch when we can just pull our car up to the nearest department store bay and buy it for less than we'd spend on materials?

Has the ever-encompassing technological doo-dad of today sent us to this place? Has all this ready-made finally had its day? Can it be that the human spirit, the Use-a-Stick-as-a-Hammer Spirit has finally come back to us? Could it be that watermelon chewing gum will be used as Shitz and Fritz or Hummel earthquake stabilizer in the near future? Or that we will finally lick our fingers and wipe our toddler's cheeks clean again, instead of reaching for one of those hypo-allergenic wipes with aloe?

Or could it be that knitting is just that gooooooood?

Or that, even though our moms didn't knit, that somehow, someway, our craft links us back to them, even if all they pretty much did was work in the corn fields during the summer for a little extra money before you were born, smile down at you time and again when you were with them, and put up with all your irreverent teenage and early 30's crap?

And that these days, all you can do is wish beyond all dire wishes that you could take it all back and hope forever and ever that she isn't up in heaven remembering about how you got so angry with her that you didn't speak to her for years and years? That you didn't speak to her for years and years and POOF!, the next thing you know she is gone? That she is gone forever and ever? That there will be no taking back of words, and that all that stuff in the air above the two of you will be there, swirling around you for good?

Comments

[cherub]

Just know that where she is now, she knows grace fully - she is remembering you through a heart filled with grace -

[Lara]

I think knitting invokes all sorts of thoughts and feelings. I have tried to put my finger on why I love knitting so much, and in all honesty, I am not sure why. All I know is that if I don't pick up my needles one day, I feel like a part of my day was off. I am lucky to still have my mom here on earth, but I wonder what sort of feelings knitting will come to me for her when she is not here....the fact that she couldn't cast on so I had to teach my dad so he could do it for her? The fact that she could not tink back for the life of her? I am sure all sorts of things will pop into my head. Your mom didn't knit, but I think it is wonderful that knitting brings back her memory.

[kt]

Oh my dearie, your mum is way past all that STUFF. What she's remembering is the day you were born and the origami house she made you and the watercolor ensembles for the magazine paper-dolly-ladies. And in my humble opinion, she's tickled with her granddaughter AND her daughter.

Talk to her. I think it helps. Don't beat yourself up about past stuff, just do something positive with what you have/are/do NOW, that's what counts.

[Evelyn from Canada]

Dear Wendy
Today your blog entry moved me tremendously......"Nuff said
Evelyn

[Teresa C]

What Evelyn said.

And your mom? She read this post and said, "She didn't talk to me for years? I don't remember that, when were they?" See? The joy of watching your creative self and that lovely granddaughter has erased those memories completely. Now, when will you forgive yourself?

[sprite]

{Wendy}

[Mandy]

HUh... I was all set to respond to the "why do we make stuff" part of your post, then I got to the end. Your other commenters are more eloquent about this, but I'm sorry you're in pain. She must know how much you love her.

[Ariane]

xoxo...love ya girl!

[Willa Jean]

Oh, Wendy, Lara is so right. Your Mom is way past all that. She's not angry. Her feelings aren't hurt. She just loves you. And Girlfriend. And HHWV. She's happy and she's proud of you.
I'm sending you a big fat hug.
Time to forgive yourself. She has.

[LaurieM]

Whaa! That just makes me want to put my head down and wail.

[sherry]

My great grandmother gave me the love of knitting.all things creative. Mom, nor grandma did this and so thankful she gave me this gift.I'm sure your mom just thinks about all the good things and knew you loved her.Knitting is a way of expressing ourselves, I've beem creative since I was 6yrs oldand couldnt' have it any other way. Why?? i don't know, i am just thankful as it brings joy into my life, and hopefully others.

[Ann in Vermont]

Come over here, and get a big hug! SHe loves you for what you are and who you've become.Live for today!!!Give your daughter love and laughter and it will all be good. And KEEP knitting-it keeps you sane!
:) xox

[Miz Booshay]

Dearest Wendy.

I believe that we were created in the image of God....He liked to create things...Us and our beautiful word. It makes sense to me that I would like to create things too. :o) Your mom painted, you knit, hwwv takes photographs...
(and by the way, she was stunning! and how did she get her hair to go like that?)

AS girlfriend grows up and says sassy things to you...and hurts your feelings...you will know how your mother felt...but you will also know that you would not stop loving her in a million years.

The year before our parents died, I can remember shopping for a Mother's day card with my sister Sue. We thought they were all too nice. We could barely pick one out. We were brats.

She was not perfect. And neither were we.

It's not going to happen, this side of heaven.

Do not listen to those words of discomfort.
Be comforted.

Love,
Donna

[Debbie]

Knitting takes us to a simpler place, away from the stress and hectic lifestyle that society has imposed on us. It allows us to release our creativity - it's just natural! I have similar feelings/experiences with my Mom. Never get over missing her. But as Moms do - they love you no matter what and have a way of only remembering the good stuff and being proud of how you come through it all. Look up - know she's smiling on you and Girlfriend :) (and lovin' your knitting!)

[brenda in toronto]

I'm not a mom, so I don't know about the unconditional love and forgiveness for and of a child. But my mom is still with us, and believe me, we have had our share of rough spots too. I too didn't speak to her for various stages in my life, and you know what? She doesn't remember! Sure, she remembers that we scrapped, but not to the extent that I remember. So I believe what all the other commenters have said: that your mom is way past that stuff and just remembers loving you. (I gotta stop now - I'm crying here at work!!) {{hugs}}

[gay]

moms just don't remember that stuff about us, really they don't remember it at all, my mom thinks we've always been best friends!i love the knitting and i live in cold climate and i never wear my stuff i just love the knitting and the creating and the sticks in my hands. and i love watermelon gum!

[Carol]

Just like your mom knew about the 10 min bike ride, she was expecting the teen and 30's things. She knew then and she knows now. Forgive yourself so she can feel better.

[Lynae]

A few weeks ago my 8 yr old son (for the first time ever) told me he hated me.

I had forgotten that until I read your post. At the moment he said it, I knew he didn't mean it....and it didn't hurt my feelings. I KNEW he didn't mean it.

Your mom has forgiven you....please forgive yourself.

And don't forget that you can talk to her anytime.

{{HUGS}}}

[Cheri]

Forgive yourself and forgive her the fight that caused the rift. She is watching you and happy at what a wonderful human being you are and is proud of you.

In my life everything was fixed with black electrical tape and if that couldn't fix it then duct tape (and perhaps some baling wire. I've been trying to teach my husband my dad's finer art of fixing things.

[Darcie]

I love the picture with this post. Your mom's smile is magnificent!
I think knitting gives us time to think about how we feel, of days gone by, people we miss, and things we wish. It encourages quiet contemplation.
It is funny how knitting makes you think of your mom given it's something she didn't do, but my mom never knit either (or cooked or sewed or baked), but she really admires my knits. Maybe your mom does now, too.
I love reading your posts. Thanks for sharing and invoking thoughtfullness.

[nikki the blogless]

My mom and I never got along until I got married. Then I was too busy being a newlywed to be around her much at all. Then she died. It feels like we barely knew each other.

[Lizbon]

First and foremost, I think kt has it absolutely right. Your mom forgave you a long time ago. She sounds, above all, like the kind of mom who loved her daughter unconditionally, and with that deep, earth-moving kind of love that is hard to describe to non-moms (I am a non-mom, but my mom has spoken to me many times of this, and I feel similarly about her, though from the opposite angle).

As to knitting, I have many theories on why people in general love to knit, but in your case I wonder if it isn't performing some kind of healing function as well. Something about the light and color and beauty of it reminds you of your mom and her joy in the things of life that are about light and beauty and color.

[nikki the blogless]

I just realized it will be seven years since she died this Saturday.

[Elizabeth]

I think most people have an intrinsic need to make things with their hands. Even people who don't are attracted to the handmade things of others. As for the genetic link, my sister and I have a theory that it skips a generation. If your Mom knitted and sewed and cooked you would not feel so compelled to. My Mom was competent at most of these things but didn't enjoy them and did'nt persue any of them unless absolutely necessary. My grandmother was a handmade queen. My sister and I follow her example.
Your mother forgives you. Let the experience make you a better mother yourself.

[Pip]

Awesome picture, Wendy. You know this already, but your mom was a heart stopper.